Tess' and Kate's Diary
by sandis86
Summary: Carol writes a diary for her daughters to tell the story about Carol, Doug, Tess and Kate.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Tess' and Kate's Diary

_Carol_

Carol took the red book as well as a pen and went to the nursery, where her twin daughters, Tess and Kate, were sleeping in their little cribs. She took a seat on the rocking chair and watched her babies for a while. She was thinking about so many things, as a single tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly and then she opened the book and started to write.

_Diary_

My little princesses, Tess and Kate!

For many years I was thinking if I'll ever become a mum. I always imagined what I'll do, when I become a mum. This imagination was, that I will make hundreds of videos, that I can show my children, when they're older. Videos about me, who I was, what I was thinking, how much I love my babies, what I'm afraid of, what makes me laugh or cry and of course my most secret secrets. Videos about our family. About my children growing up and playing with their daddy. If my parents would've made such videos I would keep them like treasures.  
I can't remember my dad very well. He died, when I was a little girl. So you see, if I had videos where I could see my dad I could still see him. I think it's very sad that I don't remember him.  
Our video camera is ready for taking videos, but I don't want to start. Your daddy isn't here and…I don't want to show you videos on which he is missing.  
Therefore I start to write you this diary. Today I make the first entry and you two little ones are just two weeks old. I want to start from the beginning. The time before you were born. So I want to start before your start.  
This is just for you. For Tess and Kate. This diary tells you the story about Tess, Kate, Carol and Doug. Your daddy.

_Carol_

Carol closed the book as her tears started to fall harder now. She was missing Doug so much and she felt lonely and exhausted. How would she be able to raise twins alone…she wasn't prepared for that. She always remembered the discussion about having a baby with Doug. But now she was all alone. She went to her bedroom and buried her face in the pillow. She had to sleep…she got only some hours. She closed her eyes, but she couldn't sleep. Too many thoughts went trough her mind.

_Diary_

Hello, little angels!

It's me again, your mum! I would like to introduce myself.  
My name is Carol Hathaway. Since my birth I live in Chicago, the snowiest and rainiest city in the whole world. Yet still I love this city so much. She tells our story.  
I grew up here together with my mum and my two older sisters. And I can remember our little dog Sparky. He was my best friend back then, because he was with me all the time. My mum was working very much and my sisters were at school, so I was alone most of the time. I felt very lonely. Only when I started to work I found my real family.  
I went to nursing school St. Rose in Chicago. I always wanted to help people and when I graduated, I found a job at County General. My second home.  
I was really good as a nurse, so I became head nurse. I was very proud, but this job can be stressful sometimes. But I still love it and I don't want to do anything else.  
At County I found my very best friends. Susan, Mark, Lizzy, Carter, Anna, Haleh, Lydia, Wendy, not to forget Randi and Jerry. And then there was Doug Ross. Your daddy. My big love.

_Carol_

Carol was really tired now. Her eyes ached from the crying and writing, so she decided to go to bed. She knew that she had to sleep, even if it was only for some hours. With many thoughts on her mind she fell asleep.

_Diary_

Hey little brayers!

You granted me two hours of sleep. I want to thank you fort hat!  
After your bottles and fresh diapers you're sleeping again. I'm wide awake. I take the opportunity to continue with my story. I want to tell you, how your dad and your mum started.  
When I started at County as a fresh new nurse, I didn't really know what to do. Of course I did some practical works, but now it was a real job. Good that the people at County were so friendly and helped me with everything. Your uncle Mark was always a big help.  
He was the one, who introduced me on my very first day to the pediatrician, Dr. Doug Ross. Your daddy.  
I can remember this day as it would've been just yesterday. I can tell you, as I saw him this first time; this very first moment...I was in love with him. My knees became weak, my heart was pounding and I couldn't say one word. For me, it was love at first sight. My sweet babies, yes, it's really possible.  
Your daddy and I became really good friends and after some time he asked me finally for a date. I was in love, my little sweethearts. I felt so good when we were together; I was the happiest woman on earth. We had so much fun. Your daddy made me happy.

I thought that he was feeling the same, but I was wrong. Your daddy hurt me then really bad. After two years of a great relationship he didn't want to be with me anymore. His freedom was more important for him. I can still remember how I felt, when I saw him with some other women. I'll try to explain this to you more specific when you two are older. If you want me to. For me, the world was going under. And from this day on my life only was a mess. I was still so much in love with him. Everything was too much for me.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Carol_

Carol opened her eyes, as the sun was shining into her room. It was really silent in the house. She rolled out of bed to look for the girls. The little babies were still asleep. Carol took the opportunity to take a relaxing bath. She felt better after it.

_Diary_

Good morning, sunshines!

Today is really a beautiful day and I think you two feel that too. You're really good girls and I have a lot of time for myself. Thank you for that!  
You just went back to sleep again and I love to look at you, when you're sleeping. My girls are the most beautiful and the sweetest babies in the world.  
But now I want to tell you how our story is going on.  
When your daddy and I weren't together anymore, I was only working more and more. My whole life was work. I didn't speak much with your dad, only when it was necessary. I was mad with him. But he didn't care.  
For my enthusiasm at work I became head nurse. I am really good at this job I think. And I was dating Dr. John Taglieri. Everybody called him Tag. He was a very handsome man, he fulfilled all my dreams. He was in love with me. And I was still in love with Doug.  
My life wasn't funny anymore. All the time my mother annoyed me and Tag wanted to marry me. I didn't want anything like that. I always thought, ok, that's life, but it became too much. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to scream and to cry, but I was too weak and nobody could help me. So I took that pills that would bring my life to an end. My little ones, I really wanted to die.  
Today I'm so thankful that I'm here, that I'm living. Even if it's really hard at the moment, I'm glad that I'm with you right now. My friends at County didn't give me up. They saved my life.  
Your dad was really sad. He thought that it was his fault, but it wasn't. Maybe a little but as I told you, there were so many things that were awful that time.  
He came by to apologize and to start new with me, but I didn't want to. I was too scared to get hurt again. But I still loved him more than anything...

So I was still together with Tag and we (or better, he) wanted to marry. Can you imagine that your mum was wearing a white wedding dress? Isn't that funny?  
Don't worry honeys, Tag and I didn't marry. I think you two would think he's boring. I mean, I liked him, but he was boring. He wasn't the one I was looking for.

Today I ask myself what I was thinking then. Why did I even go out with him, when I wasn't ready for it? Just imagine that he would be my husband now. Oh no, please forget that!

Anyway, it was your daddy who was there for me again, to tell me to go on with my life. I just wanted to be happy and he said that I will be happy one day. He was right.  
He became again a good friend for me and I could laugh with him again. It felt so right. But before we were together again, some time went by.

Babies, my life was finally okay again.

_Carol_

As she was reading her lines, she had to smile. She felt good at this moment, but it still hurt when she was thinking about Doug. She saw him every time when she closed her eyes. She missed him. It hurt when he called and she heard his voice. She wanted to be with him, together with their daughters. But she was too proud to take that flight to Seattle.  
Her daughters gave her the feeling to be needed. Two little helpless babies and their sad, helpless, exhausted mother. Daddy wasn't there to help. She was alone.

_Diary_

I'm so sorry! You were crying, but I was sleeping. I heard you very late. Your heads were already red and I think you're mad with me now. I'm sorry.

I even don't know if I do my job as mother okay. But I try. Really hard.  
Now you're looking at me with your beautiful big eyes. The most beautiful eyes in the world. What are you thinking girls? I would give everything to know that. You're so beautiful, I'm in love with you two. Dou you miss your daddy? I do. I love you and I love your daddy. He called today. Do you want to know what he said? He loves you too! And he misses us. It's so nice that he's thinking about us. He asked, if we're coming to Seattle, to visit. I said that I don't know it. He was sad and I'm sad too.  
Why doesn't he come to live with us? Maybe he's still disappointed that I didn't go with him. I don't know why I stayed here. I just wanted him to stay here. Why did he have to go to Seattle? Why did I stay here? I don't know. I'm sorry.

But now I want to go on with our story.

The wedding with Tag wasn't meant to be. Thank god. That was the best thing that could happen then. Maybe you wouldn't be here when we would've married. I'm glad that we didn't. My life was making sense again.

I bought a house. Our home. But I tell you, this house was really a mess. Everything was broken. The heating wasn't working, there were holes in the roof. But I loved this house. It was my first self bought house. And there was Shep. He was a paramedic and I was in love with him. Yes, I really was. He was so funny and charming and a good dancer. We danced in this house to my old records. But he wasn't the one for me and our relationship was over as soon as it had started.  
I didn't feel bad with that...now I was free and it was great to be single again.

Your daddy and I got closer, as friends. We went back to our room at the hospital basement and talked. I have some great memories about this room. We were there very often when we had a break. I don't know if this room is still there. I think I have to look for it again some time. Your daddy was my best friend then. Susan was gone and I really missed her. I missed talking with her and laughing and having fun. Now I did all of that with your daddy.

He helped me a lot. For example, he helped me, when I was doing this exam in medicine. He listened to me when I was telling him about the kidnapping in the grocery store, where I was in. I can remember that he was the only one who supported me when I wanted to adopt Tatiana, that little Russian girl.  
He was always there for me and he cared about me.  
He made a surprise birthday party for me; although he knew that I hate my birthdays. All our friends were at my house and called "surprise": I really was surprised. Your daddy only grinned and then I knew that all this was his idea.  
When I was blowing out the candles I made a wish. I wished that I could fall in love again. I looked at your daddy who was smiling at me and then I knew that I didn't have to wish for it. It just had happened. I fell in love with your daddy again. And from that day on I really wanted to be together with him again.

He surprised me after a date with Toby Mintz on the porch. And there he kissed me. It was unbelievable. It was...amazing. This kiss was magic. I melted in his arms. My heart was jumping and I felt so happy that he was there. I didn't want to stop holding him and kissing him.

And still I was scared that he wouldn't be there in the morning. But this time he was there. He didn't leave and he watched me sleeping.

Your mum and your dad were inseparable again.

Now you two are sleeping again. You look so sweet when you're sleeping. I just made a picture of you with our camera. When you're older you can look at them to see, how sweet little babies you were.  
I'm going to get some sleep too. I'm very tired. I wish you a good night. Baby kisses for you, I love you two!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Psst....it's me again!  
I just woke up but you two are still sleeping. Today you're really good girls!  
You know, sometimes in your life there happen such good things that are wonderful. But sometimes there are also bad things happening, that are not so wonderful.  
I had many of wonderful times with your daddy. For example, when we were kissing it was always wonderful and romantic. Your daddy is the best kisser in the world. I loved it, when we were kissing and cuddling. I loved it to wake up beside him in the morning. I loved to be together with him. I loved listening to him when he whistled these silly songs while he was working in the kitchen. I loved it to fall asleep in his arms. I loved it when we danced to slow music. I loved everything on him. I loved to laugh with him. He was always so silly at work. We all had so much fun with him. He understood me and I understood him. I think we were like soul mates.  
But as I said, there also happen bad things in life. Like it was for your daddy and me.

Carol

Carol stopped writing as Kate suddenly cried loud. Carol was shocked, because she was again so deep in her thoughts. She went to Kate and took her out of her seat. The little baby felt hot and she was restless. Carol was worried. Her first thought was that she had to go to the hospital with Kate.

Diary

My little sorrows!  
We just came home from the hospital. My little Katie has got a fever! I really worried about you. But it's just a fever. Nothing more. We can make this. We are fighters, aren't we?  
When we came to the ER, everyone was oohing and aahing. Maybe that's because you are so sweet babies! Haleh sang a song for you two. She's very good in singing, you know?  
Luka examined you, Kate, but we don't have to worry. You know, as a mother I am worried. I just want you to be healthy and happy.  
I was really tired when we were at the hospital, so I slept there for some hours. When I woke up, you two were gone and for the first moment I panicked. Where were my girls? Just then I saw that my friends took care of you.  
Luka drove us home and he was staying here for some drinks. We talked a little bit and he likes you very much.

Today you two are celebrating your first Christmas. I wish you a very merry Christmas. We have a little tree in our living room and I think you like it because you are always looking at its lights and sparkling.  
I also have to tell you that your daddy called today. He wishes us a merry Christmas too. He also told that he sent a present for you two but he didn't want to tell me what was in it. As soon as it's here we will open it, okay? He also said that he loves me. That he loves us. Isn't that nice? We love daddy too, do we? I think so. We wish daddy a merry Christmas too. And all of our friends too. Happy holidays!

Good night, sleepyheads!  
You just had your dinner and a nice bath in our big bathtub. I think you like bathing.  
Now you two are sleeping like angels in your cribs. I love to watch you. How your little stomachs rise and fall when you're breathing. How you wrap your soft toys with your tiny fingers. I'm so happy that you're healthy and I'm happy that I have you two. I wish you all the best for your life!  
Do you want to know more from your daddy? I'm telling you a secret now, and you are not allowed to tell anyone about it, okay? That's just for you two!  
When I was together with your daddy again, we didn't tell anyone about it. We had a secret relationship. Everything was so romantic. At the hospital we shared flirty looks and when there wasn't anyone to see, we kissed. I felt like a teenager who fell in love.  
Out friends soon found out that we were together. When I wanted to tell them at Christmas Eve, everybody knew it already.  
But your daddy had a surprise for me. He asked me, if I wanted to marry him. He was so sweet at this moment and I just had to kiss him. I remember that as if it was just yesterday. I said yes, I wanted to marry him.  
But we didn't marry, what was my fault (I know, I'm crazy!).  
I was scared. I wasn't ready for that: I just wanted to be happy with Doug. I still wanted to be that teenager.  
When your daddy wanted to surprise me with that wedding, I kissed another man. It was just a little kiss, but I felt awful. It was really awful. How could I do that? I hurt your daddy very much. I didn't understand myself and he didn't understand me. When I told him about that, he left our house. Can you imagine how scared I was then? I was scared to lose him again.  
But your daddy waited for me. He was so understandable and sympathetic. He said that he didn't want to push me. At the same time I didn't want anything more than to marry him. There was just something in me that said no. Now I think how silly I was. Really silly.  
But we were happy again. I was happy to be with him.  
One day when we had our day off, we were driving around with our car. Without any plan we were driving around. We were singing to the songs that were playing in the radio. Your daddy is a bad singer, almost as bad as I am, but we had so much fun.  
We came to this little city called Nashville. It was beautiful there, everything was idyllic. We could smell the fresh flowers. The people were friendly...not stressed like they are in Chicago. It was like a fairytale there. Kids were playing in the park, baseball and football. Everything was peaceful there.  
Then we found paradise. There was this little lake and around it there were these big trees. Nobody was there...you could just here the birds whistling. Doug and I were laying in the meadow beside the lake and we watched the clouds go by. Then we made love. I think this was one of the most wonderful moments I experienced with your daddy.  
I could cry when I think about this day. You know, I'm crying really often the last time. I'm very sad, because your daddy isn't here with us. He's in Seattle and this is miles away from here. Do you think that he's thinking about us that much as we are thinking about him?  
You sure want to know, why daddy is in Seattle.

One day a very, very sick boy came to the hospital. He was so sick that your daddy couldn't help him anymore. Your daddy gave him medicine although he wasn't allowed to do that. When the little boy was dying, all of this came out. Everybody was mad at your daddy, including me. I was disappointed because he didn't tell me the truth. We had a fight. Then your daddy told me that he wanted to quit. And he asked me, if I'll come to Seattle with him. I couldn't and didn't want to go o Seattle. Of course I asked your dad to stay here. He didn't want to. He said "I love you" for the last time and left. And my heart was broken. I was dying inside.

Again I lost him.

When your daddy was gone my life didn't make sense anymore. I was mad; I was disappointed, sad and alone. I felt so incredibly alone. I couldn't believe how we could leave all this behind him. He left US behind him.

I couldn't sleep for some nights, my eyes hurt from the crying. At work everything reminded me of Doug.

Was it a mistake to not go with him? I thought that I would be worth it to stay. Your daddy once said to me that he'd do anything for me. He didn't keep this promise. I was so mad at him. Yet still I missed him from the very first second.

And then I recognized that a baby was growing in my stomach. A baby that Doug and I so long waited for.

On the one side I was so happy to be a mother. On the other side I was sad because your daddy wasn't here. He couldn't be happy with me, I couldn't hug him and we couldn't dance because of our joy.

When I was ready to tell your daddy about the baby, I wrote him a very long letter. I wrote everything I was thinking about on it. My feelings, my sorrows, my wishes.

Sending the fax was a disaster. There was no power in the ER to send it. But when I managed to send it, your daddy called me.

What I told him was insane. I'm insane. He wanted to come; he wanted to be with us. And I said no. I didn't want him to come back just because of the baby. I'm really crazy. My biggest wish was that he would come back, but I said no. That's crazy right? Your daddy was sad. He wanted to come so badly and when I said no to him I regretted it as soon as we hung up. That was so stupid from me. I hurt your daddy's feelings.

Any time at the ER aunt Lizzy and uncle Mark were doing an ultrasound, a video of the baby in my stomach. Just imagine, there were beating two little hearts. That was you, little ones! I expected twins!

Carol

Carol stopped writing as she recognized that her hand was shaking. Slowly her eyes filled with tears again. She wondered how she still could cry. She didn't believe that writing this diary was so hard.

So she was lying in her bed now and crying. She was crying herself to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Diary

A new day is coming!

It's still dark outside, but I'm awake. You didn't have a good night, did you? You two cried some rivers this night. So I fed you, I carried you around, I changed your diapers. But you continued to bawl out your souls. Then I took you both in my arms and took a seat on the rocking chair. And I sang our song. "I can't give you anything but love". When you heard that you two became silent and you looked at me with your wonderful eyes and you listened. That moment was so beautiful. I don't want to forget that for my whole life. I sang along and then you both fell asleep.

And because you're still sleeping now I will tell you the story of your birth. I'll call it

Happy Thanksgiving!

It was November 25, Thanksgiving. And your mum looked like a big whale, I mean, there were two babies in my stomach. When I woke up this morning I didn't feel anything but my back hurt like hell. I took a shower, put on my clothes and then made my way to County. I had to bring a cake for the Thanksgiving party and I had to show Lydia how to write our schedules. I lost the cake on the way to the hospital and Lydia wasn't there. So I went back home.

When I was sitting in the El I recognized that my water broke. I panicked. I was scared and nervous. And then the contractions began. It hurt badly. Anyhow I managed to get out of the El and I took a seat on a bench. So I was sitting there with contractions and not able to go on. God, I was so scared and I had to think about your daddy. I wished that he was there with me. But instead of him Luka came. He brought me back to County. I was glad he was there because I collapsed on the way to there. So he carried your mommy to County!

And in the ER I delivered my first baby. Tess. My daughter. I've chosen this name because your daddy wanted to give this name our first daughter. When we talked about getting a baby for the first time he told me that, if we get a daughter, he wants to name her Tess. I've chosen his name.

You were so little, so cute and so beautiful. I was in love with you from the very beginning. If just your daddy would've been there to see this...

The second baby still needed some time. But when it was its turn everything was hectic and complicated. The baby in my stomach didn't feel well. I had to have a c-section. And that had to be done very quickly. I was so scared, little ones. I prayed to god to save my baby. I creid. I just wanted that this baby is alive. I'm so glad that Mark was there. He helped me so much.

My second daughter was born. She was blue like a plum. I was so scared. I just wanted to hold that baby, just like Tess earlier. But the little, helpless girl had to examined first. It was horrible not to have you by my side. Then I collapsed again.

Later I woke up in my room. Uncle Mark was holding Tess in his arms and in the little bed there was lying my second, healthy, beautiful baby girl. I was so happy! And I knew right away that you little bee would be a fighter. That baby girl was so small, so cute and so beautiful!

I gave you the name of Mark's mother's middle name. Kate.

Tess and Kate, the fighters! This year's Thanksgiving I won't forget my whole life.

Uncle Mark and aunt Lizzy are your godparents. We had a little party for you, when you had your christening. I think you liked that party, it was very nice.

Of course I called your daddy when you were born. He was so happy and he said that he wanted to be there. I wanted him to be there too. He cried and I cried and he said that he's proud of us. And I asked him to come visit you.

Tess and Kate Ross, my daughters, my fighters, welcome on earth!"

Hey sweeties!

How nice that you two are here. Do you know how much I love you? I can't tell you how much. I want to thank you that you're here with me. Every breath you take makes my heart jump. I'm so thankful that you two are healthy. My little ones, every one of you is an individual although you look the same.

In your first months I could watch you quite easy. The sleepyhead of you both is Tess. You're sleeping so much like you're thinking that there isn't anything to miss on earth. I think you're coming after me with that habit. The only problem is that you're then sleeping when Kate is awake. I think you two planned that just to annoy your mum, am I right?

When you're awake I always think you're starving. When I don't give you the bottle immediately, you're screaming your lungs out of you. I think you want to become big as soon as possible. You're a very friendly baby.

My little Katie is quite the opposite of you. You're sleeping a lot too but not so much like Tess. And you need a lot of room while you're sleeping. Your sleeping position is changing very often.

When you're awake, you want to rule the world. You're so curious and you're looking around so you don't miss anything. When there is nothing happening around you, you get bored and you give a sign, like "Hey, where is the action today?"

You don't seem to be afraid of anything. You like it when it is loud around you. I can imagine that you'll have some great adventures when you're older. You'll discover the world as soon as possible.

That's you my little ones and I love all your sides you have. You mean everything to me. And I want to thank you both. Thank you that you're here with me and that you two are like you are.

I want to be there for you forever, help you and have fun with you. No matter if you'll get older, you two can always come to me and talk with me. I'll be there for you.

Even if I have to go to work tomorrow, if you need me, I'll be there. I'll miss you babes!

Good evening little sweetie pies!

I'm at home. Thank god. As you can see I survived my first day after the break. And as I can see, your grandmother did a good job with you. She even washed your pajamas! Isn't that funny?

My day wasn't funny at all. I was excited to go back to work again but it was totally different today. I missed you, every inch of you! I was thinking about you all the time!

Of course I was totally slowly today...I mean, I wasn't working for weeks. But everybody was a pain in the neck. All the time they were saying, get another day off, or this is missing and this has to be done. Half of the day we didn't have water to drink.

My little ones, I'm rusted in. Maybe it wasn't time to go back. I cried like a baby in the hospital, just like you two do sometimes. No, more than you two cry together. Aunt Lizzy and aunt Chuny saw me crying. That was so awkward! You two have an awkward, crazy mum! I'm so sorry babies!

But sometimes it's just good to cry. I'm thinking about so many things. About my life. About your life. If I'm doing everything right. How we should go on.

Sometimes I think that I can't go on anymore. Then I want to surrender. And I look at you. You're so little but so strong. I feel that you're strong. You look at me like you want to say: "Pull yourself together and be strong!" Then I think that I can do it and I go on. I'm fighting, I'm crying, I'm thinking about you and everything is okay again.

I couldn't believe how much I could miss you. Did you two miss me?

Now we're together again. My little Tess is sleeping and Katie is wide awake. Your squeezing my right index finger very hard and I think you're smiling! Yes you are smiling! That is so sweet baby! I love seeing you two smiling! I'm smiling with you Katie! Let's smile together!

Do you know how much I love you and your sister? I love you sooooooo much. I thank god for giving me such beautiful, wonderful babies. Even if I'm missing something very much – I'm happy. I give you a smile!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Good morning little ones!

A new day is coming sweeties! I have the day off until afternoon, so we can spend the whole morning together! That's great, isn't it? I'm happy!

This night you didn't sleep much. Tess was awake and Kate was sleeping and then you two changed. Kate was awake and Tess was sleeping. I think you wanted to prank me, didn't you? But I'll forgive you. I can't be mad at you!

We have to go shopping. Our fridge is empty! So, as soon as you're awake we're going to the grocery store.

The day before yesterday Luka was here. He made our water boiler because we didn't have warm water.

Luka is such a nice guy. And he likes you two so much! And I think you like him too.

Oh, you're awake! Let's go shopping!

Here we are again! It's so cold outside…I can't wait for summer!

I just fed you and now you're satisfied again. That's great. Tess the sleepyhead is sleeping again and Kate is babbling loudly. That's funny, I have to laugh so much looking at you! You're such a sunshine! Your sister doesn't even notice anything!

My little ones, time is over. I have to go to work. I'll put you in your warm Eskimo suits and then we'll go to grandma. Oh hello Tess, you're awake now? Did you sleep well? I hope so!

Hey! Here I am again!

That was a hard day…I'm very tired. You two are sleeping too and hey, both of you! How nice!

Today at the hospital was flu day. So many sick people! And Abby is working now in the ER! She helped when I was in labor.

And there was a little boy and just imagine, his mother made him sick! You see how crazy it is in the ER. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm doing this job. But I love my job, I like being a nurse very much.

I wanted to study medicine some time ago but I think that's nothing for me. I didn't want to become a doctor…

I'm curious what you'll become. I think most of the parents want that their kids do the job they did. So, I think if that happens, Tess will be the nurse. That would be perfect for you. And Kate, you'll be the doctor. Maybe in the ER or maybe a surgeon. You're looking for action.

But I don't want to tell you, what job you have to do later. That'll be your decision.

And now I'll bring you to your bed. Hope you don't wake up when I'll carry you to my bed. I allow you to sleep in my bed with me this night. I love it to have you by my side. And I'm very tired, so I'll go to bed too.

Good night, sweeties!

Carol

Carol closed the book and looked at her daughters. She smiled. Finally her life was getting better again. She didn't think of Doug that often anymore, although she missed him.

Tess and Kate gave her power.

Carol stood up and carried the babies to her room, where the three of them fell into a deep sleep.

Diary

Hi Sunshines!

Yesterday somebody was visiting us! It was grandma Sarah! She's daddy's mother and I didn't hear from her for a long time. Suddenly she was standing in front of our door.

I was really happy to see her. We laughed and hugged and I almost had forgotten what a nice person she is.

She brought you so many presents! Now you have new blankets, new teddy bears, new clothes and new toys for the bath tube. When you're older you have to say thank you to your grandma!

Sarah saw you for the first time yesterday and she said that she's already in love with you.

We talked a lot about daddy. She said it's a pity how things went and she's missing him too. Earlier, your dad and I visited her often, just to drink coffee with her, or having dinner. And we talked about earlier and I remembered all the great things that happened with your daddy. I told her about our "secret room" in the hospital, where we were went to talk and have fun, when we didn't want to work. I told her from the trip to California where Doug's dad died. I remembered so many things again. Every single story. Your grandma told me a lot about daddy, too. She told me that your daddy told her that he never met such a wonderful person like me, when he met me. His thoughts are nice, aren't they? She told me from his first day at school, how he cried because he didn't want to go to school. She remembers the day when he told her that he wanted to be a pediatrician.  
She spoke about his first motorbike accident, about his first girlfriend, how much he wanted to go for a trip to Europe and how much he wanted to marry me. Until yesterday I didn't think that this meant so much to him. Now I know it, but now it's too late I guess. I said sorry to Sarah but she said that she understands me. That it isn't easy with your daddy.  
We talked until late in the night and she helped me to bath you. She misses daddy as much as I do. But somehow it doesn't hurt so much anymore. I think I learned to live with it. I'm happy with you. Your grandma said that everything will be okay again. A happy end. I wish nothing more.

Hey little ones!

I'm sorry that I didn't write in here and tell you all news. The last few days were just awful.

It was Valentine's Day. In the hospital everyone was happy, we got cards, bonbons, cookies and everybody was hugging the other.

Too bad that there was coming an ambulance because there was an accident.

It was horrible. The parents of Julia and Robbie were dying. It was so sad and all the time I had to think about you. I just wanted to go home to be with you.

But before that there was a big party and we had blue cake and loud music. I didn't like to party so I drove home to you.

You two were sleeping and suddenly my cell phone was ringing. Abby called me and told me terrible news. A patient stabbed Lucy and Carter. Just imagine that! Lucy didn't make it.

I went to you, put you out of your cribs and I took a seat with you on our rocking chair. I cuddled you and cried. Again I just cried. But that's all so sad!

I wasn't best friends with Lucy. Sometimes she was really annoying and unsure about what she did. But after some time we were better together. I just had to be patient with her, she was just a med student.

One time we had a really nice conversation. She told me that she didn't want anything more than to become a doctor.

And now she's gone. That's just not fair.

You see how quickly life can be over. I try to enjoy life as long as it goes and I try to show you how nice it can be.

You should be happy about every day you get in your life.

I called your daddy on Valentine's Day. It was great to hear his voice. I put the telephone to your ears and your daddy told you something. And you smiled! Yay!

In this moment I was wishing again that he was here with us. I can't change it, but I miss him so badly. I love him and I think I can never change this feeling. It will always be here. He's everything for me.

I love you, more than everything in the world. I tell you that about a hundred times a day just that you don't forget it. I love you!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

(Credit for the letter in this chapter goes to Jordan)

Hey scream heads!  
Today wasn't your day, huh? Your nanny called me so often because you were all cranky. I don't know what was going on with you because now you're all silent and polite. You two look at me with your big eyes. It seems you two want to say sorry. Am I right? I wouldn't mind it. In the hospital I had to sing a song to cranky Kate over the telephone, while a patient was on the table. I sang our song through the telephone! That was awkward, little ones! But you liked it, Kate, you were silent and listening to me! Then I told Claire that she should bring you.  
You two liked it in the hospital, especially you, Kate. I think that's because there was a lot going on there and you could see a lot. But also you were looking with big eyes, Tess. Maybe you wanted to see the same as Kate did.  
Now I decided that I will bring you to the hospital crib, when I'm working. Then I can visit you more often and I think you two will be happy to have me there, too. I hope you like it!

YAY!  
You survived your first day at the crib! The nanny said you were good babies. That means, I can bring you there again. Awesome!  
Today Luka was visiting us and he was barbecuing steaks while I was bringing you to your beds. Can you believe it, that it was snowing tonight? I tell you, Chicago is a crazy city, it's snowing here in April!  
Tomorrow I have a day off and I have an idea. I really want to go to baby swimming with you two. You two always liked it. Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of time lately to go there but we can do it tomorrow. Is that a good idea? I want to spent a great day with you tomorrow. I'm excited!

Hey, little mermaids!

Yesterday was so funny! You two were so happy in the water and I was happy too. You really like swimming and having fun in the water. I really think we have to do that more often.  
At home we three were really tired. I took you two to my bed and then we three fell into a long sleep. We were sleeping like bears who had hibernation. I'm really thankful to you two because you slept all night through. It was great to wake up with you on my side. I can't say it too often, how much I love you two!  
Today grandma Helen is visiting you because I want to look for a new car. We always have to use grandma's car but it's time to get one for us. We will get a new, used, car!

What am I doing?  
Babies, I'm becoming crazy!  
Like I told you I was looking around for a car. Luka was so nice to come with me because he thought that men do know more about such things – and he was totally right!). So we went out to go to this car seller, Herbert. Luka bought a car from Herbert and he could make a good price for me.  
Before we reached Herbert, we lost our way to the stadium. We ate hot dogs and I think I impressed Luka with my baseball knowledge.  
He told me a lot about his life, about his dad. And he asked me, if I was doing a lot with my dad. I told him that my dad died when I was a little girl. Luka said then that I must think a lot about the situation that you don't see your daddy. If he'd know – I think every day how beautiful it could be if he would be here with us. If he was there at you birth, being there when you took your first breath. It would've been so beautiful. I really wished that Doug could've been there instead of Luka. That Doug was examining Kate when we were in the hospital. That he would've gotten up at night when you two were crying. But he wasn't here and he won't be here. He doesn't know all this things. I really want you to get to know him…I just don't know how.  
But now back to the story. We were on our way to Herbert.  
I tell you, there are so many ugly cars. There really were vehicles that wouldn't have been right for us.  
But then we found a car for us, with a lot of room for your car seats. Well, it isn't a Porsche, but it's okay for us.  
Luka and I wanted to drive our first ride with that car to celebrate. We drove to a drive in and then to the lake promenade. I parked the car and we sat on the hood to eat our hamburgers. I love that place on the promenade, you can see all the skyline of Chicago there. I was there with you too but you were sleeping and so you didn't see anything.  
And Luka and I were talking about his early life again. I was really curious, I wanted to know a lot. He talked about his kids and his wife, who were dying when the war was in Croatia. I felt so sorry for him. That must've been so awful, unbelievable.

He then thought that we should drive at home and I was okay with that. On the way home, how should it be different, the car broke down. Awesome, I thought. Really great.

We had to push the car until we found a place to park it. Then we sat on the hood again and we talked while we were waiting for the tow truck. This time I told him about my childhood, the little things I could remember. I told him about the lemonade stand that my friend and I had to sell lemonade. And that I am really happy for you two, when you sell your first lemonade.  
And then it happened. I kissed Luka. I really kissed him. My God…it was so different. But how is that possible? How is it possible that I kiss him but in my head is still your daddy…my little ones, what am I doing?

The tow truck finally arrived and somehow I was relieved. Luka went home with me and he kissed me on the lips as a good bye.

I was just happy to be with you two again. You two are the most important for me.

Just now I got my secret box from the cupboard. In this box are many of my memories. The most are from daddy. I have to think more about him, now that this happened.

Here is a box of Animal Crackers. That was the first one your daddy bought me down at the pier. I didn't open it because I wanted to save it as a memory. There is this photo stripe which we made in that photo box. Looks really funny. The tickets for our first movie we saw in the theater. The ring, your daddy gave me when he wanted to marry me. And there's the letter which he sent from California and also the cassette from the answering machine. Some time after we were together again, your daddy had to go to Barstow because his dad died. He spoke this message on my answering machine and I listened to it for about a hundred times. I want to write his words in here.

_"Hey, Carol, it's Doug. I was hoping to catch you before you went to work. We're here in Barstow, still, we're cleaning up and...I was just thinking about you...wishing you were here. I just miss you and...I just wish you were here. So I'll, uh, I'll...I'll call you tomorrow. Okay, bye."_

I missed him a lot back then, so I booked a ticket for a flight and I flew to California, to be with him. I think he was really happy to see me there, to have me there.  
When I was back in Chicago, your uncle Mark gave me a letter from Doug. On the envelope the letters C.H. were written.  
I lost the letter at work and I was really mad at myself. But some days later Mark found the letter and gave it back to me. I was happy! Dou you want to know what was standing in it? I want to tell you, but you only are allowed to read that, when you're 18 years old!

_To C.H._

_When we were driving around today, I found this card at the gas station and it reminded me of you. It's always really busy here with taking care of everything. I miss you. It's really hot here and dry but today I was just thinking about things. Mostly, I was thinking about you. How happy you made me, how happy I'm with you. I realized that you are the only person in life that I need and that I can't go on without you anymore._

_I miss you. At night, when I'm lying in my bed I think of making love to you. I think about your soft lips that are kissing me. I close my eyes and I see your beautiful face and your smile. I remember how you feel in my arm, your soft skin. How beautiful you are. How I love to look in your eyes. I dream of the taste of your neck and the smell of your hair on my pillow._

_I love you. I wish you were here._

When I come back home, I want to spend the night making love to you, holding you in my arms. I may never let go. I want to dress you up in something beautiful just so I can take it off, like unwrapping a present for myself. I want to run my fingers over every part of you and leave a trail of goose bumps in my wake.

I will gently lay you back on the bed and enjoy every inch of youI'll spend all night satisfying you. I'll do whatever you ask.

Will you let me love you? Will you let me give you pleasure all night long?

I had, when daddy was back in Chicago, the most wonderful night of my life.  
That are such beautiful memories and I can't let go from them. I can't be with Luka. I just can't. What shall I do, babies?

My sweet little babies!  
You get so big. You're already five and a half months old. Time goes by so fast. Dou you know that I haven't seen your daddy for 14 months now? That's a long time but for me it is like it was yesterday.

You start to crawl already. I think when you're really good at it, nothing is safe from you anymore. You start to talk and your first teeth are coming. I'll be happy when you say mommy for the first time to me. That will be nice.

We're at grandma's at the time because we our kitchen will be renovated. You really like it here, because grandma allows you everything. Hopefully your cold will be gone soon, Tess. You don't like it when I clean your nose.

Luka called very often and I was such a coward and didn't pick up the phone. I don't know what to say to him. I mean, I like Luka. I really do. He's so helpful and nice and beautiful and he's lovely to you too. I'm really thankful for his help. But…being together with him…I can't do that. I don't know how I was able to kiss him. I just want that thought to go out of my head.

Sometimes I think that it's time to move on. To forget daddy. But that's so hard. I can't imagine that you say daddy to another man. I can't imagine waking up to another man than daddy. I can't imagine living with another man.

Why can't I?

Do you wish that daddy is here? I think you miss him. I always wanted to have daddy here. To be a family. It's unfair that you have only me, isn't it? Would Luka be a daddy for you?

I never wanted to be a single mum. It was always obvious for me that I would do that with daddy together. But now I'm here, alone.

And when I think about it, I don't want Luka to be your daddy. He isn't your daddy. No other man than daddy will be your daddy and he will always be.

Maybe I'll be ready for a new relationship sometime soon but no matter what, he will always be your daddy.

In four days is my birthday. I always have to think about the surprise birthday party your daddy threw. On my birthday I only want to be with you. No party. Just the three of us. And I want to dance with you to our song. Do you want to dance with me? I'd be happy. Your mommy gets old.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Hi sunshines!

You can't believe who was visiting yesterday.

It was your daddy!

I opened the door and there he was standing. We looked at each other and then I started to cry, because I was so happy to see him. He hugged me and I thought I'm dying.

It was so good to see him again. And yay, your daddy was happy to see YOU! Man, he was so happy, I can't even describe it!

He cried so much when he held you and kissed you. And I cried with him. It felt so real and I almost forgot that he was away all the time. And I wished that it could always be like this.

It seemed like he wouldn't let you go anymore. All the time he was here he was holding you, kissing you, cuddling you. He sang songs to you, he smiled with you. It was beautiful.

And I think you already knew that this was your daddy. You were so natural with him. Like you had always known him.

He put you two in your cribs when it was time to go to sleep. And while I was downstairs washing the dishes I heard daddy's words in the baby monitor. He told you that he loves us. All three of us and that he's not happy being in Seattle all alone. He wished that we would come with him, to be a family so that every day could be like this. He hated to leave you again and he hated to leave me again.

It almost broke my heart hearing that words. He seemed so sad…I heard it in his words.

When he came downstairs again I turned around to him. God, I'm so in love with him. Even after all this months I'm in love with him.

I told him that I heard him and he smiled. That smile always makes me weak. I love his smile. "What do you think?" he asked. What was I thinking? I wanted to be a family with him again. I wanted to be with him. But I wasn't ready. I had to think about it. And that's what I told him. "I have to think about it!"

He nodded and hugged me. I wished he wouldn't let me go. One last time he told me that he loved me. And he thanked me for letting him see you two. Then he went outside and closed the door again.

I sank down on the kitchen counter and cried like hell.

Happy Birthday, Carol!

My little ones, today is my birthday. It was an awful day until now. I just had no motivation to work today. It wasn't fun at all.

At morning Luka gave me flowers for my birthday. They were really nice. And he asked me, if I was okay.

Nothing is okay. Really nothing. I'm down again. I don't understand the world. Everything is so unfair.

Birthdays always make me sentimental. I don't like my birthday. At work I did everything wrong today. I forgot to look after a patient, I forgot the documents for Kerry. I was just lame. Kerry was really mad at me. I'm not mad at her for thinking this, it's her good right. She asked if everything was okay. I said yes, but she knew I was lying. She really knows me and she saw that something was going on with me. The thing with Luka is really bugging me. And I said something to her that I didn't say for a long time. I told her that I hate my life. That I love you, but that I don't want to be alone with you.

My life is like a rollercoaster. I can't remember my childhood very much. Then the school. I always wanted to be a nurse. My mum didn't understand that. She always wanted that I should do more with my life.

I wanted to kill myself! I was in love and I was hurt. I was happy and I was unhappy. And that was so often. Now I have you. I love you, but something is missing.

Just imagine, today came a present for me. A big box. When I was looking inside it I knew that it was from daddy. Believe me; the box was full with Animal Crackers.

Do you know the story of the Animal Crackers already? I'll tell you.

When your daddy and I were together we went down to the pier, to the fun fair. We ate candy floss, tried the rollercoaster and the creepy tunnel of horror.  
Then we went to that little shop and your daddy wanted to buy something to eat. He bought two boxes of Animal Crackers. He ate his immediately but I saved mine, like I told you. This evening was wonderful.

Since that day the Animal Crackers were a ritual for us. Daddy always brought a box when he went shopping and I always put a box in his Christmas sock. See, even crackers remind me of your daddy. And today this big box full of Animal Crackers arrives here.

I didn't call daddy today. I can't do that today. I only want to be together with you two. Now I want to dance with you. Our song is playing in the radio and now I'll dance with you. Let us forget everything around us. Let us just dance.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Babies!

You won't believe where I am right now! I'm sitting in a plane on the way to Seattle. I'm going to visit daddy and I really need to find out if there is still an "us". How I made that decision? I'm going to tell you.

Today a really sick woman came to the hospital. She had cancer and nothing could help her. Her whole family was there; her husband and her daughters.

Mr. O'Brian just wanted that his girls could say good bye to their mother. Her kids weren't there when she stopped to breath. So I asked Luka for help that Mrs. O'Brien could breathe again. We weren't allowed to do this, but I wanted that the kids could say good bye to their mother. Then I talked with the older girl. She said that it wasn't fair that her mother was dying. She wanted to have a real family, not only a dad. I was thinking that she was right. It wasn't fair. Then they said good bye to their mother. It was so sad.

When the woman was dead I wrote the chart and then Mr. O'Brian came to me. What he told me opened my eyes. He asked me if I believe in soul mates. He said that he didn't believe in it earlier, but now he does. He never will love a woman like he loved his wife. I listened really carefully to his words. And then I knew that I was believing in soul mates. Your daddy was my soul mate. I just wanted to be with him. STAT. I finally realized it.

I ran through the hospital like a crazy girl to get my bag and then I searched for Luka, to say good bye. The words I said to him are still in my head.

"_I have to go find out. If he's still in love with me... because... I'm still in love with him. I am. I've been in love with him since I was 23 years old. He's everything to me. He's my life. I feel complete when I'm with him and I feel empty when we're apart. He's the father of my children... and he's my soul mate."_

I know that we're meant for each other. I feel it. I won't forget those words, ever. Then I went out of the hospital. I brought you to grandma and booked a flight on the phone. Everything was really crazy. I asked you to wish me luck. I hugged you two really tight and then I drove to the airport. I almost missed the plane! Thank God I was running like a mad through the airport.

Yes, my little ones. Your daddy is my big love. Now I'm sitting here in the plane, on the way to him. I'm happy. I just ask myself why I didn't do this earlier. I always knew it, but why didn't I realize it earlier?

I'm really nervous. What will daddy say? Do you think that he still loves me? I'll find it out. Cross your fingers for me. I'll tell you what happened.

I am SO HAPPY!

Do you want to know how it went?

I landed in Seattle. Then I rent a car and I was on the way to daddy. I was so nervous! I didn't know what would happen. Your daddy has a big house, a real beautiful house. I knocked on his door, but nobody opened it. I started to panic…maybe he wasn't at home, maybe he's at work and I'm standing here, not a clue where to go. I didn't know what to do in that moment. But then I heard something in the garden. I went around the house. Daddy has a big garden. You'd like it here, sweeties. And there he was. My heart was beating crazy quickly. Your daddy has a boat. It looked like he was out on the lake. Yes, daddy lives on the lake!

I went some steps down to him when he recognized me. I smiled. He was standing there looking at me. And then he started to walk to me. He didn't say hello or something. He just asked about you!

And then, finally, he hugged me and we kissed. My sweet little babies, finally I'm able to kiss daddy again. I was allowed to feel his lips again. Did I tell you already that I love to kiss him? I wanted to jump around like a crazy chicken, but it was so wonderful in the arms of your daddy. I didn't want to let him go. He picked me up and we laughed and we cried. But this time it had been tears of happiness. He whispered and "I love you" in my ears. YAY!

Your daddy still loves me. Now we are in his big house. He showed me every single room. Just imagine, daddy has a room for you too! He told me that he went out to furnish a sweet girl room for you when I told him about your birth. There are two little cribs right now, a changing table, hundreds of soft toys, animals on the wall, a CD-Player and a rocker. Like at home in Chicago. When I saw this room I had to cry again. Surprise. It's so beautiful. There are pictures of us everywhere.

I'm lying in the arms of your daddy right now. He's playing with one of my curls while he watches my writing. I'll let him read this diary, if he wants to but first I have to stop fancying and writing to you. My babies, I am so happy. I feel good. He asked me, how long I'll stay. And I said, forever. I don't want to go anywhere. I want that he never lets me go anywhere. Finally I'm able to kiss him again. Finally I'm able to fall asleep beside him and awake beside him. I want to have my second most wonderful night.

Your daddy said sorry for about a hundred times. Sorry that he left us. But I had to say sorry, too, because it was mostly my fault. He forgave me and I forgave him. Because now I am with him and I regret nothing. I want to forget the last year without him.

We decided to get you two tomorrow. Daddy book two tickets for tomorrow and he got one week off. He can't wait to see you again. I'm really excited!

Now I'll stop to write. I want this wonderful night to begin!

We're coming!

Daddy and I are sitting in the plane! You'll see your daddy soon!

Yesterday night was wonderful. It was even more wonderful than the last one. It was so romantic. Your daddy doesn't stop to kiss me. And he's still able to bewitch me; to look into my eyes like in the past. Do you know what he said? He said that he's sorry that he didn't hold his promise. He wants to make it good again. And he will hold his promise from now on. I love him. My big love. And I can't wait until we're with you!

Daddy's sleeping at the moment. I almost forgot how sweet he looks when he's sleeping. I think he's tired because of last night. I'm tired too. But I don't want to sleep. I'm scared that this is only a dream. But this is too beautiful to be a dream. And if it's really a dream I never want to wake up again!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Welcome to Seattle!

You survived your first flight! Did you like it? You looked around with big eyes, so I guess you liked it!

It was so great.

When we landed in Chicago, we drove to grandma Helen. Your daddy was nervous! Grandma opened the door and hugged us. She was happy. Then we went inside and Daddy almost ran to you! He said "I love you, I love you, I love you!" And you two were smiling and babbling and throwing your hands up like you knew what happened.

Then I went to him and I kissed him, again. And then I kissed you two, too! We're all so happy! Finally we are a family!

The hardest for me was saying good bye to my mum. She hugged us all so tight and she wished us good luck. She whispered to me that I should be happy because I have a family now and she'll be okay.

I am happy. We are happy.

But it still was hard to say good bye to everyone and everything. When we were in our house to get some things I started to realize that we would let this all behind. But I was ready. We have a new beginning now. In Seattle.

We packed the most important things. Your baby things. Clothes, pictures, the secret box, Animal Crackers, my coffee cup. Everything that we won't leave in Chicago. I said good bye to the house, which was my, our home for a long time. Then we drove to the hospital. I had to tell them, that I'll go to Seattle.

Everyone was happy to see Doug again. When I told them that I'll go with daddy to Seattle, they had to pay again because they had made bets again, when I would go. Randi won for the first time, can you believe it? Chuny said we should send the invitations for the wedding. And daddy said that he only would do that when they stopped to make bets. Everybody was laughing.

Mark and Elizabeth were sad that we were going. But they were happy too, because I decided this way. They said that they would visit us.

Then Kerry came. When she saw daddy, she had to smile. She came to us and hugged me. She really became a good friend of mine, she helped me a lot. I know that daddy doesn't like her at all, but I was really happy about her help. She said that I was doing the right thing and that she'll miss me. And that there'll always be a place for me at County. Do you think that there's a place for daddy too? Maybe. Maybe they can be friends again, too.

I'll miss County and the people there. Our friends.

Luka was in the hospital, too. He wished me good luck. I think he's still mad at me. But now I want to take car of myself and not only of the others. I am happy and that's how it should be.

We were on the promenade, too. I wanted to say good bye to Chicago. I said good bye to our City.

But now we're here, together with daddy in Seattle. There's nothing I want more at the moment. Daddy is giving you a bath right now. He's so much in love with you. And I think you're in love with him, too!

Now I have everything that I need. The two most beautiful daughters in the world and the most handsome, beautiful man in the world. Now we're a real family. I want to dance! When daddy is ready with you two I want to dance to our song. I want to hug the whole world.

My little ones…we did it!

_Doug_

Dear Tess, dear Kate!

It's me, your daddy. Your mum told me, that I'm allowed to read this diary and that I'm allowed to write you, if I want to. Yes, I really have to tell you some things.

I wasn't in Seattle for a long time, when a fax arrived at my office. I saw the handwriting on it and I knew that it was from Carol. I was happy to hear from her again. We didn't have a lot of contact since I was here in Seattle and I was sad about that. I missed your mum. I missed her really much. All the time I had to think about her. I couldn't concentrate on anything than her.

When I read this letter I didn't know how to feel. Your mum told me that she's pregnant.

I took my cell immediately and called her. I was so happy that we would get a baby and I didn't want more than to be with her. I told her that I'd come to Chicago. I wanted to hug her, kiss her and be with her. I wanted to lay my ear on her stomach to hear our baby and to say hello to it. We tried so long for a baby…

Your mum said no. She didn't want me to come. I didn't understand her. I was thinking so much about it. Maybe she was still mad at me for leaving Chicago. But I asked her to come with me. I was sure she would come with me. We were inseparable, we were in love. I loved her more than anything in the world. She was my SOUL MATE.

I couldn't stay in Chicago anymore and when she said that she wouldn't come with me, everything was over. I lost her.

I did everything wrong back then. Sometimes I still think about the Ricky case. Yes, I made a mistake, but this little guy was so sick. I couldn't just watch and do nothing, so I thought I'd do the right thing. I know I should've talked with your mum about everything, but instead I just ran away again. I didn't think about the consequences. For me it was just important that Ricky felt no pain. I knew that this thing wouldn't go out okay.

I loved your mum. More than you can imagine. Since she made the first step in County and uncle Mark introduced us I was in love with her. When she was sleeping I could watch her for hours without getting tired. She looked like an angel. So beautiful.

It feels like yesterday when she told me in the hospital that she might be pregnant. I panicked. What? A baby? For us? I told her to make a test to be sure. We never talked about this before and therefore I was really nervous. I didn't know if I could be a daddy.

When I came home from work this day your mum was sitting in the backyard. I was at the drugstore before to get a pregnancy test. She told me that she wouldn't need it because there was no baby on its way. Suddenly I thought that it was a pity. I imagined little Carols and little Dougs running around the house. I imagined our kids saying mommy and daddy to us. Yes, I wanted to have a baby with your mum. We wanted to have a little family. When I told her that she fell round my neck. I never saw her that happy before. And I was happy, too.

And now this letter arrived where your mum told me that I would be a daddy. And she didn't want me to come.

When I think about that now…I shouldn't have listened to her. When I look at you two now, how sweet and beautiful and unique you are…I should've been there. I should've been there when you made your first breath. I missed so much in your life and I'm so sorry for that. Please believe me, I thought about you and your mum every single second.

When you were born your mum called me and she told me that we have a little Tess and a little Kate. I was so happy. I wasn't there, but I was the happiest daddy in the world. But I was a jerk for not coming. I'm so sorry.

When I read this diary all this started to realize. I loved your mum all the time. And still I hurt her so much. I don't know why I was such a jerk back then. But I chanced. I'll never ever hurt her again. Never.

When your mum and I got together again I was the happiest man in the world. I wanted to make everything right. I was so much in love with her. Your mum is the most beautiful, cleverest and most sensitive woman in the world. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And I was so insane to let everything go.

But now you're here with me and you make me to the happiest man on the world again. I want to make good for everything I missed in your life. I am really happy that your mum came to me. She chose us.

I'm able to fall asleep with her and to awake with her. I'm able to kiss her when and where I want. Your mommy sais that I'm a good kisser but I think she's the best kisser in the world. She's unique. I love her so much. I can't stop looking at her and kissing her. She was so right; we're soul mates!

And on top of that I have the best daughters in the world! I'm happy that you're here with me. I want to tell you how much I love you. I'm happy to see you growing. I can't wait until you make your first steps, until you say your first words. How you play in the garden. Your first day in school, your graduation, your first boyfriends and your weddings. I want to see all of that. I never let you go again and I'll never leave you again. I want to hold my promise that I made to your mum.

I want to make every night special for your mum. I'll be there for you. I love you three so much. And I want to show it to you every day.

When your mum was standing in my garden three days ago, smiling at me, I knew that this was forever. I won't give that up. Thanks that you're here. I love, love, love, love, love you. I can't say it too often. I love your baby smell, your little fingers, your little noses, and your smile. I love everything on you. You're in your rockers right now and watch me writing. You're the most beautiful girls in the world. I am so happy that you're here. You're with me now and I can hold you now, kiss your cheeks and I still can't believe it.

I'm with the three most important persons in my life. I'm a lucky one!

I love your mum so much; I can't describe it in words. I loved her for all these years, every day more and more. I missed every second I wasn't with her. I want to show her every day how much I love her. And I want to marry her. I want to see her in a dress and I want to wait with you two in front of the altar while she'll walk down the aisle to us. Will you help me with talking your mum into it?

My little girls, little Tess and little Kate, my soul mate Carol, thanks that you're here!

**The End**


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